Its no strange wonder to those who know me well that I tend to have conversations with myself. Words don't usually come out, my mouth just moves. I don't even realize it, but Boo likes to call me out on it and will usually ask who I'm talking to. I can laugh at that. It actually makes me laugh just typing about it. I found a good description of my disorder here. I run the gamut of having negative conversations and also those of resolve. Once I have it all worked out in my head I can actually move on in my life, for the most part.
As part of my inner dialogue I also have to talk myself through certain situations. I've found myself saying "Don't cry, don't cry," while biting my bottom lip and holding back as much as possible. If I let my emotions surface then it all over from there. Watch out.
This past week while we were camping at Cape Cod I was constantly telling myself to stop rounding up all the skewers that would mysteriously find their way all over our campsite. Apparently that's what happens when there are 13 kids in one campsite. I'd have to hold my own hands as not to pick up one more thing. After evaluating this and other similar situations, I've realized that maybe my inner dialogue is also part of having OCD. CRAPPY! I don't want to be OCD, but I am. I've studied enough about psychology and sociology in my college days to know these things. Yes, I have OCD tendencies and I can't help it. Its nothing like what you see on Oprah. I can use the toilet in my own house. I just want to fold towels into nice even squares, along with tents, and tarps. I hate folding laundry because it doesn't fold as neat and nice, therefore it sits in a lonely laundry basket until I get tired of walking around it. But I think this may also be why I like to do quilting. It is a bunch of shapes that need to be put in some sort of order to make a square. I can do squares, see above. I'm a person of order and control. I need order in relationships and schedules. Just ask Boo, he'll confirm that I need a plan or else I ask a million questions, and he hates all the questions. However I can adjust, as long and I tell myself there is no plan, so roll with it.
So what does this all mean? Hopefully it doesn't mean you'll find me wandering the park with my knapsack yelling at imaginary figures. It means that when the skewers are all over the place, internally I'm rocking back and forth telling myself it will be fine. It means that motherhood has royally changed my life by throwing toddler curve balls. And I'm rolling with it. Now if only I could channel this to something more productive.
8 comments:
Rach- If your OCD than I must be over-the-top OCD! Anyhow, great post- I love to read your blog I really get a kick out of your writing. In answer to your question we use our Zuc. Relish on anything that would lend itself to having relish on it- it tastes just like normal relish.
Oh, good times. I love the inner dialogue - it seriously calms you down, gives you resolve, and gets you out of some sticky situations.
Just last night I kept telling myself, "Don't throw up, don't throw up." Too bad the baby in my belly decided it was his way or the high way (yes - HIS way)
I've always wanted to take a vacay to Cape Cod, btw. It looks so JCrewish.
Is your internal dialogue saying, "Mexico is going to be so much fun. I can't wait to hang for an entire week with wacky siblings and unplanned meals."
Actually it was Boo having the issue with the meal plan, not me. I think he was afraid he'd be eating the same thing all week long. But he'll never own up to the fact that I had to send the email. However my inner dialogue is preparing me not to let any conversations lead to health or diet. :) But you've got my back, right Sissy?
You know I did send an apology email out last Friday to everyone including you Rach (that's called "owning up").
My concern was that if we didn't have any type of plan ahead of time we would end up with 10 adults arguing over how it was going to work. Your family has been known to get a little testy on trips like these. Sometimes they even get in fights over checkers.
It was chess. She deserved it.
And yes, do not allow the topic of conversation to lead to healthy eating or dieting. I might have to drown myself.
I talk to myself all of the time. I don't think my mouth moves, but my face definately does. I always find myself having converstations in my head and then I realize my facial expressions are out of control. How embarrassing.
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